I have a line-less forehead, and that deep, pissy furrow between my eyes is gone, My eyebrows are now straight lines, no arch at all, and my eyes have dropped a little bit. No one notices but me, and it's hard to put on eye makeup. Three weeks ago, my neurologist put 31 shots of Botox all over my head. It's maybe helping, but not really. It hurt like hell, and the little pop sound the needle made each time it pierced the skin was just gross. I said fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck until she was done. Supposedly Botox only really helps headaches the second or third round, spaced three months apart, so I've got some time before I can expect much.
My doctor also doubled my Indocin, and that's definitely helping. It's a super strong NSAID that so far I am tolerating well (it has really harsh side effects--causes major stomach issues and increases the risk of heart attack, liver failure and other goodies). Most people can't stay on it long-term. But according to my headache journal, it's made a difference:
During the two weeks before I doubled the Indocin, I had 1 day with no headache, 3 days with 1 headache, 5 days with 2 headaches, and 4 days with headaches all day.
In the two weeks since I doubled the Indocin, I've had 6 days with no headaches, 5 days with one headache, and 4 days with headaches all day (including 1 or 2 days where I forgot to double the Indocin because I'm an idiot).
This is pretty improvement. Six days out of fourteen with no headache is a record. It's the four days with headaches all day that still suck, especially since they are usually days I am teaching. So I'm going to do the inpatient treatment at Jefferson Headache Center, five days in the hospital with a PICC line pumping lidocaine 24/7. The idea is to "break the pain cycle" with a super crazy amount of anesthetic. Several people in my Facebook headache group say it reduced their overall pain levels a lot and also made their meds work better. Other people said it was a waste of time. If you remember, I was scheduled to do this in early June, but I backed out because it seemed insane. It still seems insane, but now that I've been back in the summer session classroom with pain to remind me how much that sucks, I have to give it a shot.
There is no aspect of the hospital stay that I'm not dreading. It's my one last break before the fall semester begins, and I'd really rather be at the pool/the shore/in the woods/one my porch watching hummingbirds. I hate being apart from Buddy for half a day, let alone most of a week. I'm scared the PICC line is going to hurt and be hard to sleep with. You have to stay in bed the whole time because of various heart monitoring apparati, and I will climb the walls. I'm terrified of the hallucinations that everyone says are really common with lidocaine. My days of willingly hallucinating are long over.
More than anything, I'm scared it won't work. Truthfully, I'm pretty sure it won't work. Okay, I know it won't work. But I'm doing it anyway.
I'll be productive in the hospital. I have lots of school prep to do, plus my own writing/sending stuff out, plus reading, plus binge-watching some show or another. Maybe Friday Night Lights finally? Other suggestions? My awesome awesome husband will visit a lot and bring me food (I'm not expecting much vegan-friendly hospital fare). Maybe I should get seed beads and make some necklaces. My mom and some friends have offered to visit, but I have a feeling I might be feeling too yucky. Especially if I'm hallucinating.
Maybe it will help. I have a busy fall semester ahead. I would love to cut down on meds. It would be great to have more pain-free days. October will be four years with these stupid headaches, four years since I walked into a steel beam head-first and saw birdies. The days where I have one or two headaches are easy--meds to the trick. The all-day days are almost comical anymore. On those days I take meds and they don't work. I take some more, and they don't work either. Some days it's enough to knock out a horse, but on me, the meds do nothing. I use my TENS unit, I use heat, I take a nap, I cancel my plans, I walk around the supermarket holding my head. I have no idea why a day like this happens, and it almost never happens twice in a row. It's just that when I'm teaching, then it's not comical, and I hate being upright and I hate how hard it is to be enthusiastic, kind and patient. It's awful.
So cross your fingers the lidocaine does a bit. I'll check back here once I'm in the hospital (August 24) and report on the experience.
